Wino Whine

In the spirit of Halloween (even though I don’t do Halloween), I watched Planet Terror yesterday. Awesome movie. Scared the living shit out of me.

I knew this was going to happen. I like scary things. I like being scared. But it scares the living shit out of me. It makes me cry. It literally makes me shed tears of fear, but I can’t look away or turn it off.

Planet Terror gave me nightmares. Again, I knew this was going to happen. I went to sleep fine. I had just watched Family Guy before bed so it put me in better spirits and I wasn’t even thinking of gory bloody pus-covered monsters. They took a couple of hours to kick in. All of a sudden, I was being chased by these monsters and they were trying to stab me with needles filled with anaesthesia so they could do who knows what to me! All I remember was running up a hill for dear life. I knew that it was a dream, and I knew that I had to wake up or I was going to die. It took effort but I finally forced myself to open my eyes. Still, my eyes kept darting across the room scared that something was going to pop out at me. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom.

So, why won’t I go to Knott’s Scary Farm for the accounting team’s 4th quarter outing, my coworkers ask?

This, dear coworkers, is why.

The cable guy came to install cable yesterday.  He was working in and around my closet.

He asks - “Do you sell shoes?”

…and not only because of the music. My ipod has been boring me lately so I’ve been checking out the radio to see what’s going on in the mainstream realm. Surprise! Not a whole lot. Let’s start with the morning. Morning radio shows are just a sad reminder that you’re commuting to work along with millions of other depressed people who have nothing better to do but call in and request songs, seek advice about their baby daddy, play pranks on their “loved ones”, and get BREAKING NEWS on who Brittney flashed or who Paris fucked. Morning shows remind you that you’re not one of the rich who are being gossiped about - you’re common folk, grudgingly making your way to a job you hate in traffic that you hate wearing clothes that you hate to go slave away for a boss you hate.

The way home isn’t as bad. Even though you’ve heard that song for the gajillionth time, at least you’re on your way home. It’s bearable. Despite all the dings and dongs and the ringing of bells you have to hear in the ultimate traffic hour remix jammy jam, you don’t have to see your boss for the rest of the day. That alone brings a smile to my cringing face as I think about what it means to “superman that hoe”.

Note to self: Change songs in ipod. NOW.

Consumed tonight: 1 glass of Yellowtail and just cracked a bottle of Mosaic….lovin it.

Cheers.

London Bridge is Falling Down

For the last few days I have had the pleasure of talking to JJ, Emina, and Emmy. They started to talk about their various successes and failures in dating (mostly failures). It started me thinking about what advice I could give them. I only came up with one thing: What Goes Around Comes Around.

What do I mean by that? Well, if you are spiritual, you know it as Karma. If you are religious, you know it as “You Reap What You Sew”. If you are scientific, you know it as “Every Action Has An Equal And Opposite Reaction”. I now share my own adventures in dating as proof.

When I was 18: I was madly in love with a girl who only wanted to be my friend. She dated me just to keep my friendship. She broke my heart somethin’ fierce.

When I was 19: I dated a girl who was madly in love with me. She was the sweetest girl in the world, but I just wanted to be her friend. I ended up dating her to keep our friendship (what an oxymoron). I broke her heart somethin’ fierce.

When I was 22: I cheated on my girlfriend with one of her best friends. I told her that I had to go to a wake for the weekend. I was with her best friend the whole weekend. I totally betrayed her trust.

When I was 24: I thought that I might marry the girl that I had been dating for a year. She took a trip to London for the weekend and “hit” everything but the lottery. She not only betrayed my trust, she probably slept with it too.

When I was 28: I dated a girl who was way too religious and serious. I always tried to get her to loosen up. I thought to myself “man, this girl would be perfect if she just knew how to have a good time”.

When I was 30: I dated a girl who never stopped drinking and partying. I always tried to get her to be more serious and act like an adult. I thought to myself “man, this girl would be perfect if she just stopped having a good time”.

When I was 34: I met the girl of my dreams, married her and we live happily ever after.

By the time that I turn 40: JJ, Emina, and Emmy will all have met the boy of their dreams, married them, and be living happily ever after.

Just watch out for those trips to London!!!

Grammatically Incorrect

As a guest blogger, my goal is to entertain and perhaps even elicit a chuckle. Usually, I would be up to the challenge. As I began this blog, that was my intention. I wanted to make people laugh out loud and maybe even pee their pants. Then something happened.

I started thinking about that day. You know that day. It is the day that changes your life forever. Maybe you haven’t thought about it for awhile and then silently, like the stealthiest of cat burglars, it creeps silently into your head.

The day that I am referring to is July 16th, 2002. This was a day that I never saw coming. This day changed everything that I knew. My father (who also happened to be my best friend) passed away.

All of the sudden I was minus the 2 most important people in my life: my father and my best friend. I saw no hope for happiness. I saw no hope for fulfillment. Little did I know that 1000’s of miles away there was a person who was about to add to my life after so much subtraction.

His name is Stephen Gelman. He is my Uncle. You all know him. He is the man who would truly give you the shirt off of his back and expect nothing in return. He is the man who touches us all with kindness and decency even when it seems that everyone that we know is an asshole.

He already had 2 kids of own. He went through the normal trials and tribulations of parenthood and came through with flying colors. Just look at his offspring. JJ and THE BOY are both amazing people and they simply make the people around them better.

Two kids are enough for most people. Apparently, Stevie still had some love left in the tank. He had no responsibility to help me, above and beyond being sympathetic. Yet, he did so much more for me. He spent hours on the phone and listened to me. He provided for me when times were tough. He spent time with me and allowed me to feel happiness and fulfillment.

I had always DREAMED that on my wedding day, my father (and best friend) would stand beside me and act as my best man. During my wedding, Stevie stood beside me and was my best man. It was right then that I realized that my DREAM came true. I am not sure how my dream happened, but I am so thankful that it did. I owe it all to Stevie.

He is my Uncle, Father, and best friend.

…telling a guy “Let’s just be friends” is equivalent to castrating him with your vocal chords.

“Music was my refuge.  I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.”

-Maya Angelou

Lets talk about brothaman from the fifth flo’ aka my coworker Steph.

This is how it goes.

I’m chillin, drinking my wine, listening to music, enjoying my alone time, when all of a sudden it sounds like hell has summoned all its devils and demons and they are all screaming at once into my doorbell. If any of ya’ll have been to my place, you know what this sounds like. This calls for me flinging my door open and yelling, “The next time you ring my doorbell like that, I’m not f*cking letting you in!”, all the while wearing my Asian house slippers. At this time, we decide to hang up the phone, I let her in, and she beelines it to the kitchen. Before I know it, my refrigerator is being ransacked, the stove is on, the oven is roasting, the toaster is toasting, the blender is blending, my George Foreman grill is grilling, and there is Febreeze being sprayed in my bathroom. After this whirlwind of consumption, I look over to see Steph, legs up in the air over her head, using yoga as an excuse to relieve her inner toxins.

Since my kitchen now looks like the victim of a sonic boom, I decide to clean the dishes, wipe down the walls, mop the ceilings, and resuscitate the life back in to my refrigerator.

After feeling like I’ve been taken advantage of by Mr. Clean, I turn around to find myself alone in my apartment. Not only is Steph missing, but my plunger, tomorrow’s breakfast, some spare change barely amounting to 85 cents, and my camera are also missing.

The phone rings.

Steph informs me that she has borrowed my plunger for obvious reasons, taken my grapes for a midnight snack, borrowed the change for gas money, and is going to be using my camera for her photography class for the rest of the semseter.

Such is our relationship…a broken record and the needle won’t budge. We’ll do it all again tomorrow.

me, my pimple, and the infamous brothaman from the fifth flo’ aka my coworker Steph

Consumed: One bottle of Riesling, a cup of leftover sake, one Red Bull/Vodka

theraflu. savior. miracle worker. ray of hope.

Theraflu is the only thing that allowed me to survive the weekend of 90’s birthday madness. If you’re ever sick, down 2 packets of theraflus and crawl into bed. It is the answer.

My drug of choice used to be Contac until my body became immune to its powers. Theraflu though, is where it’s at.

Yeah that’s right. That’s a picture of me eating and liking it!

I broke. but…but…I had a good reason. I came down with a cold. Blame it on the boss. Somehow her germs weaseled their way into my body.

Now, we all know health is most important. Especially when your best friend’s big bday bash is this weekend. (Come through!!) So, I had me some Ak-maks with roasted red pepper pesto dip. Say that 10 times fast! Then I cooked me a big heaping bowl of my world famous lentil and veggie soup, chock full of vitamins and minerals. Must fight off this cold.

Looks like the whole detox thing is on hold for now. I made it through 1 3/4 of a day.

Let me tell you a little something about laxative tea though. It works. It works well.

As for the volcanic eruptions on my face, I’m trying out the whole toothpaste on the pimple thing. We’ll see.